How to Get Hard Again After Coming

Why getting back with an ex is so compelling

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Yous broke up, for good reasons. And so why exercise so many former couples reunite farther down the line?

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Before this summertime, 17 years later they split, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got back together – and triggered an net avalanche of early 2000s nostalgia, glamorous celebrity intrigue and cultural analyses. They're a ability couple, and tabloids and Twitter users alike can't wait away.

Only perchance the nigh relatable reason regular people are so fascinated by what'south otherwise a celebrity-gossip story is that exes found dearest again.

For many, navigating ex-partners is a reality of romance. That reality tin can be negative – one filled with cautionary tales and former partners who can't take a hint. Merely rebuilding a relationship can also be a tempting venture and fifty-fifty a goal for some people, especially when the success stories sound like something out of a fairy tale. Plus, research suggests the amount of couples who break up and get back together is every bit high as 50%.

The pandemic has even accelerated this process for some: amidst a global health crisis and lonely, sexless lockdowns, many people found themselves reaching out to an ex, hoping to observe that old spark.

Experts say that, if both former partners are interested, pulling a 'Bennifer' of your own can yield positive benefits – if yous're willing to put in a lot of piece of work, and have an open mind.

What draws people to exes

One of the biggest upsides of re-inbound a former relationship is that you by and large know what you're getting into. "In that location tin be some real advantages to really knowing a partner well before giving a long-term relationship a try again," says Michael McNulty, a couples therapist in Chicago and trainer at the Gottman Plant, an system that studies relationships and offers counseling.

McNulty says every romantic relationship has "perpetual differences". These are points of possible conflict, like navigating a shared living space, money, sex, kids, friends, family unit and more. Fifty-fifty happy couples take them, since a human relationship is e'er fundamentally ii different people with different personalities and worldviews.

Getting dorsum together with an ex can lead to a fairy-tale happy ending, but merely if both partners seriously revisit what went wrong before, experts say (Credit: Getty Images)

McNulty says, according to Gottman Institute research, these perpetual differences make up 69% of the problems most couples face up in a relationship. Long-lasting, deadening-burning issues are the real relationship poison – non large, explosive, single events or confrontations. "Most marriages or relationships end past ice instead of fire," says McNulty. Some couples "find it too hard to talk near or work on differences around cardinal problems. They ofttimes grow more distant, and [get] more than like roommates than they are spouses or lovers."

That's why some people may desire to get dorsum together with an old partner, or to try and stick it out with their current ane. Because while we often go into a new relationship expecting it'll be better than the last, McNulty urges some caution: "If y'all're in a human relationship and you're thinking virtually leaving, be careful, because you lot're basically trading 69% of perpetual differences with one partner with 69% of perpetual differences for another."

Then if you become back with an ex, you at least already know what those perpetual differences are going to be. Getting into the groove of the relationship could feel similar less hassle than meeting someone new and starting from scratch.

"You're picking upwards where you left off," says Judith Kuriansky, human relationship and sex therapist, and adjunct professor of psychology and pedagogy at Teachers Higher, Columbia Academy, in New York City. For some people, it feels "better to go dorsum to someone that you kind of know something about, than someone you don't know anything about".

Celebrating what'southward changed

Another do good to getting back with an ex is awareness of what'south changed in the time you've spent apart. You may be disadvantaged when dating someone make new, because you're not aware of how they might accept grown and changed in a positive way over fourth dimension. With an ex, you get more of a before-and-later on snapshot. Kuriansky says one of the most common reasons for exes rebooting their romance is "feeling like they've grown and matured".

Violette de Ayala is the Miami-based CEO of a women'due south networking organisation called FemCity, who's spoken publicly about how she remarried her ex-husband of xx years in 2019. "When we started to appointment once again, it was prissy because we knew each other, but sure elements of us had changed," she says. "Nosotros both worked on areas we needed to work on while autonomously, and we were in many ways 'new' to one some other."

"The elements of ourselves that evolved made reconnecting a beautiful process while working through some of the pain from the intermission-upwards," adds de Ayala. "He no longer took our relationship for granted. He started to become me thoughtful gifts, and will now stop randomly and share his dear for me and appreciation. That didn't exist the first time around."

Conversely, if you lot've spent a long time away from someone, go back together and find that y'all fall into the aforementioned toxic patterns as before with that person, that knowledge can exist advantageous, too. Sensing that you're going to run into the same headaches all over again could requite yous the foresight to avert the aforementioned disaster twice.

"Sometimes, with the wisdom of years and experiences in other relationships, people feel like, 'oh gosh, maybe I can work through that gridlock issue we had'," says McNulty. Just he stresses the key is "people need to know what their irreconcilable bug were before, and actually accept an honest look at whether or not everything'south dissimilar now".

Rekindling an old romance is definitely not for everyone, relationship experts say, but the familiarity that exists can lead to possible benefits (Credit: Getty Images)

'Apocalyptic dear and sex activity'

Before you lot start sliding into your ex's DMs, inquire yourself why you lot're doing it – considering enough can go incorrect.

While ane of the joys of getting back with an ex is the comfort or familiarity, Kuriansky says that longing for comfort can be misplaced, especially lately as we seem to alive among constant chaos. Last May, when lockdowns were rolling out, research from Indiana University'south Kinsey Institute, which studies sex and relationships, suggested that as many as one in five people were texting their exes while in isolation.

"I call it 'apocalyptic love and sex'," she says. "Which is, 'there ain't no tomorrow, so I ameliorate settle'." Kuriansky has studied romance during periods of disaster and terrorism, and says it's common for people to reconnect with past lovers due to "the sense there could non be a tomorrow – at present with Transitional islamic state of afghanistan, natural disasters everywhere, [people experience like] they're living in a state of Armageddon", so they desire to go back to a person who at one time provided love and security.

Take a difficult look at why y'all're reaching out to an old flame. Is it because you're trying to tranquillity anxiety from scary news headlines by seeking comfort from an old flame, and not because you actually miss the relationship and are willing to go through the very existent effort of making it work? If it's the latter, take that as a red flag.

Kuriansky too advises soliciting the feedback of friends and family unit before pursuing an ex. Many may react negatively, especially if the human relationship ended badly. But the purpose of this do isn't to invite judgment from loved ones; rather, they can bring you back down to Earth and remind you lot why the human relationship was problematic.

"Exist prepared for other people'south opinions. Nearly people will say, 'What? You're getting back together? Are you kidding? Why?' They're going to bring upwards all those memories, then how are you going to bargain with that?" says Kuriansky.

Be fix to confront those memories – not just with yourself and with your loved ones, but with your ex themselves, which tin can be the hardest part. "That is i piece that was rather challenging and nosotros had to work through. Leaving the past in the past," says de Ayala. "In that location is then much history that can be dragged up, but there has to exist a mutual agreement that from here forward, forgiveness, advice and the feeling of [starting] anew" is what volition acquit the human relationship further into the time to come, she says.

Many of us may observe ourselves longing for a lost love. If we go virtually it in a realistic, healthy way, it could, possibly, work out – if both people are on the same page.

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Source: https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210830-why-getting-back-with-an-ex-is-so-compelling